End of an Era (Journal entry from BEFORE I turned old)

Saturday, December 31, 2005

So, I just turned 29 and suddenly I find myself waxing somewhat philosophical. Someone once told me that our twenties are supposed to be about self-discovery, and so of course this is my last year in which to discover myself, or I suppose this will have been a waste of a decade. No pressure there.I don't know that I have discovered myself, as it were, but I have certainly learned much about this person I find staring me down in the mirror every day. And, short of discovering myself, at least now I like myself enough to be able to say that if I were not me, I would want to be my friend. Or, at least, I would want to buy Me a latte and get to know Me better.

So, who have I become over the past 29 years on this planet? I was born a sin-stained earthen vessel, flawed in my humanity, and try as I have to remedy that, I remain the same. I would surmise that part of "self-discovery" is the discovery that perfection is an unattainable goal, this side of Heaven. I am not who I wish I was, but I am someone I can live with (good thing). STILL...

I drive too fast. I drink too much Diet Coke, too much coffee (my "soft addictions", according to a very frank friend of mine). I am awful at most sports. When playing the piano, I have a "heavy" left hand - when drumming, I am "fill-happy." I am not as fearless as I would like to be. I care what people think, even though it is much cooler not to. In my faith walk, I tend to take one step forward and two steps back at times. I have a nasty little habit of inserting my foot into my mouth, and an even nastier habit of apologizing too much. I often try to cram 20 hours worth of productivity into a 24-hour day, which when I do the math, tells me that I don't afford myself much time for sleep. I have a hard time standing up for myself, a hard time admitting need, and a hard time forgiving myself. I tend to complicate things, tend to overthink and underpray. I have a peculiar tendency to self-destruct when under pressure. BUT...

I am a good (not perfect) mom. I am very nurturing. I give great back massages and foot rubs. I am a forgiving person. I am a good listener, an even better hugger. I am fun to hang out with, good at making people laugh. I can do uncanny impersonations. I am a decent writer. I have sadly accepted the fact that I will never be an alto, but I am a well-trained soprano nonetheless. I have relative perfect pitch, which comes in handy. I am good at Scrabble and Pictionary. I am a very smart shopper (never pay retail!). I am a faithful friend and an ethical employee. Little kids like me and teenagers think I'm cool (major boost to the ego right there). I can french braid my own hair. I see the glass as half-full most of the time.

Moreover, I may not be who I want to be, but I sure as heck am not who I used to be. I may not have yet arrived at wherever I am going, but at least I am not where I was. I am a work in progress. I am Not Finished Yet.

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